A ha! It is a new day and I am still alive! Thank you very much but now what? Having been stripped of everything that I perceive as my normal life, I am awakened to a new day that I don’t have a clue what to do with! My EX-profession no longer provides me with any kind of cash (even though I haven‘t officially quit, I have not earned any commissions so I may as well just sign the dang papers and leave), I am caught up on almost everything I have ever set aside for another time to fix, do, or change, and here I am, with not a clue as to what to do with myself. I have tried to paint but I am struggling with a concept I had dreamt about, and I am frustrated that I can’t seem to get it out of my mind and onto the canvas. I am bored as I am just getting over bronchitis which seems to have added to my distress, having sidelined me for almost a week where I had to stay put in my home, and just be with myself and Ariel, my beloved cat (I sense that even she is bored!), like a forced retreat, which if one resists it, can be really scary, almost terrifying. I suppose this is all divinely orchestrated to give me the down time to get to some inner beliefs that I seem to avoid on a daily basis, afraid of what I might find out about myself. Once again, I think I am terribly broken and in need of major repair and the only safe option to avoid the unpleasantness is to just keep going, running, hiding from some unacceptable aspect of myself.

Having stopped now, whether by my choice or not, I now have a ‘golden’ opportunity and the time to listen to myself instead of running from here to there and back again, unconscious as to what my heart and soul want me to know. As I settle myself down, a lot of wisdom comes to me without effort and I am getting a clearer picture of the process I am struggling to work through. I believe I had to walk away from EVERYTHING, to clean the slate right down to the last spec of chalk dust, and start completely over, and I mean completely, right down to choosing not to continue with a membership to a certain women’s exercise club even though that didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. I started to get an uncomfortable, almost fearful feeling when I would go there. A friend pointed out to me that perhaps it wasn’t in my best interest and that something better might be just around the corner….if I quit my current one! Ah, there it is again! I need to quit, let go completely, of the current old choice I had made, in order for the new to come to me.

I believe I have been given a gift, a chance to start fresh, a rebirth of who I choose to be without limiting boundaries. My personal rebirth is made easier by accepting that while old teachings made have served my ancestors, it is time to put them to rest and embrace the joy and pleasure in myself and the gifts God has given me as I eagerly look forward to rebuilding who I am. It is as if I am getting the opportunity to relive my teenage years including the uncertainties and awkwardness of those years but with the wisdom of a woman who has lived a little. Shouldn’t it be much easier this time around, knowing what I now know?!?! Stay tuned.