So I can’t seem to create my way out of a paper bag. Probably by design. Most everything is by design these days and unfortunately, it’s by my design. Bummer. You’d think I’d know better by now. I’m not only responsible for thrashing around in this paper bag but also for being happy about it, too. That’s a drag. I know that it’s a choose again scenario, but right now I’d rather stew and let everyone know how miserable I am. If this has anything to do with letting go, being human and forgiving myself I think I’ll puke - real vomit. Seriously. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired of hearing about energy surges and alignments and emotions. Mine are either raw with a definitive streak of bitch or all responses include a shoulder shrug and a sneer. You’d think this particular paper bag was made of some super-incredible NASA polymer that was inescapable. Nope. It’ll tear open quite easily once I decide I’m done with the dance. Wish I could say I was there, but I’m obviously not.

So here is what it's important for me to re-member right now. I admit to being a pretty amazing creator. I’ve been meddling in and playing with this energy for years, really. I’ve been quite amazed and eventually learned the art of grateful acceptance. Once I gave up the idea of form and how the creation had to show up, it’s been a lot of fun. I’ve mastered creating everything from a parking space when there were none, incredible parties, spa escapes, cakes (mmmm...cakes) and my favorite...trips! Cabo San Lucas, Black Rock City, Charleston, SC, Las Vegas, the Pumpkin Show, Grand Canyon, Shasta, Arkansas and soon, Lake Titicaca (I’m gathering supplies for Bolivia now). I’ve been on reality TV assisting in the construction of a 6’ cake (so add LA to that list and once again mmmm...cake), and even fed some NFL pros at training camp (go Falcons)! I consistently live on a few hundred dollars a month and just when I think I don’t have the money to buy toilet paper, either toilet paper or money to buy it shows up. It's true. When my car insurance was pushing through the grace period, a random check shows up from a settlement from an MLM crook I was involved with once upon a time. Thanksgiving found me pulling out Christmas decorations and I was thinking about the cool robes I wanted to get for my nieces. I found $40 folded into my fine lingerie that I ran into during the ornament search. It’s true - and a quick reminder that new energy or not, it’s impolite to ask why I was looking in a box of lingerie in search of Christmas decorations. Money shows up when I’m low on cat food. Money shows up when I decide to spring for the deluxe windshield wipers since they’re buy one, get one free after all. Opportunities show up. Friendships and laughter appear. Someone at the grocery store says something hilarious. Yet here I still sit holding a belief system (that dreaded BS) that I can’t support myself. Trippy. In all of these amazing creations, I’m still thrashing around in this paper bag (I swear it's a 23rd century construct) and it’s all by my own choosing. What is WRONG with me?

So what is the deal-io? Why can’t I support myself? Where does this belief live and why does it obviously feel so comfortable that I haven’t uncovered it before now? Isn’t that a decision too? Isn’t there some type of new energy cream or gel that can be applied? Why am I making this so difficult and why am I so attached to the outcome when I say that I’m not?

Everything we’re experiencing in this evolutionary shift is individual, intense, and to me, incredibly confusing. I get the big picture and continuously head in that direction but every now and again, I’m in the bowels of the beast and I assure you that I don’t equate the words "brown out" with my personal electrical rewiring. I also know that when walking through a pile of crap, the most important thing is to keep moving! No roses to smell around here. As a related metaphor whose irony wasn’t lost on me, I brought in the New Year with an overflowing septic tank, plumbers and a snap decision to invest in a HAZMAT Suit for that particular chore and yes, the money showed up from somewhere to address that joyful experience as well.

All I can think to do in the moment is to muddle through and reach out of this paper bag and find the hand of another who’s struggling as well. Perhaps together we can find enough balance and support to take another step. Perhaps we can share a laugh while we’re slogging through this unchartered muck and make as much sense of it all as we’re able. I really do believe it’ll get better or I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning and even though my outward circumstances look grim, I’ve never had more hope. I’m in the pregnant pause of another way of being and I’m determined to create my way out of this paper bag of a prison I’ve built. I know escape is a choice but I’m not getting out of here until I’m good and ready and that’ll happen when I’m tired of sporting this lovely brown color. Love this crazy planet of Free Choice.

Until next time, remember to breathe deeply and often, as balance is key in navigating the chaotic times we’re in, and relax!  Sometimes a cup of coffee is just a cup of coffee.